Dear Kaden, Your one!

Dear Kaden,

Big guy its your birthday! Can you believe it? Your a whole year!! I can't say oh wow look at how much you've grown this year, because I personally don't know. You've been apart of my life now for 9 months now and for that I couldn't more thankful. You really have grown fast. Rolling to sitting to standing to crawling to BAM your walking and running! You have achieved many milestones like any baby normally would in their first year, but your Mr. Kade so that makes it so much more special.

You didn't enter our family the natural way. Your Dad and I didn't conceive you as two parents would. We didn't hear your heart beat on the Doppler. We never saw your ultrasounds with your cute fish like body on the screen. We never felt your first kick. We were not apart of your birth. But oh boy do we love you like we had been able to experience all of those. You my boy, have our hearts wrapped around your chubby little fists.

I want to tell you about the night your Daddy shared with me about you and your mom. He sat me down and told me how much your brother Gabe and I meant to him. He told me how much he loved us and never wanted to hurt us or have anything like this happen. I was a little confused about what was to unfold, he shared with me about a quick relationship he had with your mom, and how she got pregnant. My heart sank but in that moment somehow I knew everything would work out for the best. He told me you were born in September. It took me a while to process everything. I needed time to cope with all the hurt and anger that was all the sudden built up inside me.

Your Daddy was heartbroken for a long time over all the hurt he cause our family. But he is such a good Daddy to you. He was a little apprehensive of being able to open up to you, and just let go and release his love he had for you. When he did, it was magical. When you see him your whole face lights up. You two don't ever stop laughing. And you already have little jokes. He will say "gadget, gadget" with a weird head shake and you will burst out laughing no matter what you are doing. You snuggle in close to him and it melts my heart. I hope you guys share a strong bond like this forever.

Now lets visit the night that I met your mommy and you. I was scared. Nervous. Excited. Jittery. Hurting. Wishing. And many more emotions. We went to church that day. The whole day went really smooth. I curled my hair, I wore something nicer-not sure why? You wouldn't remember that day :) We dropped Gabe off with Grandma Liz and Papa Greg. Your dad held my hand the whole way to the door. We stood there and knocked. It seemed like my heart did not beat that whole time. And then your mom came to the door, you propped on her hip. I let out a breath. We came in and sat down. She handed you to us, your dad had seen you once before for a really short visit back when you were just a couple months old. It was strange holding you then. You were small, and you were sick. You had a bad cold that you got from your brother Eli, and it lingered a few weeks after that. I wanted to talk your mom and was pretty emotional so I passed you to your Dad. He snuggled you to sleep for awhile. After you woke up and we all had a chance to talk and get details of all our situations out of the way we changed your diaper, snapped a couple (very blurry) pictures of you and your dad and decided we better get going.

I left that night mixed up. We were still unsure of our future in your life at that time but knew we wanted to be there for you without reservations. After we worked out some quirks with our relationship with your mom we started getting you on a regular basis. We enjoyed any time we were able to get with you and got to build up lost time. You were such a cute baby, you are such a cute baby. Your baby blue eyes are a big catch. I loved you very early on. When I hold other peoples babies they don't really 'fit' in my arms as well as your brother always had, you'll understand that when your bigger with your own family. But when I held you, you had the perfect fit. It all was going to be okay. When I held you and your little eyes looked up, they were filled with peace. Many times when a families child dies, they are heartbroken. When they have a new baby they are overcome with happiness, love and joy. This is how it was for me. You were and are my peace keeper.

Your brother acted like nothing was different the day he met you. He just went on playing. And then you kept coming back. You guys are really starting to play now and I love watching it. Your always wanting to be in his space seeing what he is doing. Your his little shadow. When we take you back, he asks all the time when you get to come back 'home'. When anyone asks where you are he tells them your at your 'other' house with your 'other' mommy, BUT you will be back soon! He tells us that you have to come to hockey more so we plan to make that happen. I can't wait to see how your brother relationship grows over these coming years.

We have had some great times with you this year. We have had lots of park visits, play dates with friends, baseball games, long walks, holidays, and many day to day activities. I am grateful to be apart of your life. I am glad to have the privilege of teaching you, of rocking you to sleep at night, of making you better when you fall, of seeing your smiling face, holding your chubby little hands, and mostly, of being able to love you unconditionally. You are our little big guy. Much bigger than your brother was at a year old, and really your already more then half his size. He may be older but soon you will be bigger :) . I promise I will fight for you, I will cry with you, I will love you, I will help you, I will be in awe of you and your achievements and even failures over your lifetime- and I promise to fill your childhood with nothing but happiness. I am not your 'mommy', and I will never take that honor from your mom, but I am glad that I get to be a 'mom' to you. We have a special relationship of a mother and son, and its just the beginning.

I hope you have a great first birthday, I can't wait for your party. I love you Buster Blue!

Love,
Momma Ash.